


Sex Makes Babies (Magic Maggie)

by alyseofwonderland (Esyla)



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Anal Fingering, Clint walks in 15min late with non-Starbucks and promptly walks out again, Fluff, Infinity Stones, Kid Fic, M/M, Pure Crack, Social Media, Soft Bucky Barnes, deaf comic book clint or go home, elmo is mentioned but not seen, it takes a village to raise a super baby, magic baby, no grit we cuddle babies LIKE MEN, no spoilers for infinitywar, soft dad aesthetic, steve rogers is a kinky mother fucker, steve rogers will fight anything and anyone, thank god, unprotected sex in a committed relationship so i think they have been tested and can be trusted
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-10
Updated: 2018-05-10
Packaged: 2019-05-04 23:00:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14603613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Esyla/pseuds/alyseofwonderland
Summary: There is a baby on the front step of their house when Bucky opens the door Thursday morning.“STEVE! There’s a magic baby on the doorstep!” Bucky calls back into the house. The baby opens its eyes, blue just like Steve’s.





	Sex Makes Babies (Magic Maggie)

**Author's Note:**

> I found this in my documents folder, incomplete a few days ago and knew I needed to finish it. I remember starting it last summer and then a big fic took over my brain and I never got back to it. But I feel like now is the perfect time to finish it and spread some joy into the suffering our fandom is experiencing.
> 
> If you want to know what timeline this is in, I legit cannot tell you. Best guess, somewhere between the comics and the movies but with Civil War not happening, well not ‘not happening’ but instead Tony knew about the whole thing with his parents beforehand and it went over way better for everyone. (We are Shuri stans first and people second.) I sorta rewrote “Infinity War”. But not really. Because I didn’t see “Infinity War”. I only remember parts of the comics. So this is… *makes vague hand motions* a thing.
> 
> Special thanks go to [Nina my main beta](http://proud-librarian.tumblr.com/), and the one person who knows how to keep me in line even if it’s from a different time zone and continent. I also want to thank [Cherlocked](http://cher-locked.tumblr.com/) for also giving this a look over as well. I would also like to apologize to Cher for refusing about half of her suggestions about style and going “NO I AM WRITING IN INTERNET SPEAK LEAVE IT!” You can pry the extra dots out of my cold dead hands!
> 
> To all my tumblr mutuals who I used their urls for fake twitter accounts, please forgive me I can only be So witty at once. Forgive me. I love you.
> 
> Final shout out to the kids I used to nanny, Jacob and Noah, this is as if I smooshed the two of you stubborn nuggets into a single child.  
>   
>   
>   
>  ** _For Dad. Happy Birthday. I miss more than words._**

There is a baby on the front step of their house when Bucky opens the door Thursday morning. It’s still too early for anyone to be out on the street and the sun hasn’t even crested the houses in orange light. The baby is sleeping nestled in a bundle of blankets. It…. She….. He….. they has dark hair, the exact same shade as Bucky’s. That’s not the thing that has Bucky’s mind stalling and running about three levels of diagnostics.

 

The blanket wrapped around the baby has cross stitching visible, three little letters. SGR. The blanket is handmade and of a quality that is not common in baby blankets these days. Additionally, Bucky knows that blanket, because he helped pack it up in a trunk and put it in the basement of the house three months ago when they moved in.

 

Bucky runs through the list of possible reasons there is a baby on the doorstep of his home this early February.

 

First option: someone ditched a baby on the doorstep. Possible, but unlikely. Wrong kind of neighborhood. Additionally, they haven’t lived in the house long enough for locals to really associate the location with Captain America.

 

Second option: aliens. There’s that kid in Queens that’s part Skrull or something, goes green when fighting. Or the girl out in LA that turns rainbow colors and flies. An alien might have been on the run and realized Captain America would be a good place leave a baby in their final moments. Unlikely, because the proximity alerts didn’t go off on the front door last night or this morning. Further testing needed.

 

Third option: fucking time travel. If this is somehow a time-traveling baby, they are going to need Stark at least. Are there even tests for time travel? Maybe that doctor with the weird name would know.

 

The baby also smells like that weird ozone and electricity combination that means magic.

 

Fourth option: Magic Fucking Baby. Most likely. Alert Steve.

 

“STEVE! There’s a magic baby on the doorstep!” Bucky calls back into the house. The baby opens its eyes, blue just like Steve’s.

 

* * *

 

 

Bruce is having a very interesting morning. Tony had crashed his morning yoga by yelling “Barnes figured out how to make MPREG a real thing in this universe and I need you to come help me prove it!” and then proceeded to bounce around the room while Bruce went to put on shoes.

 

He didn’t actually take Tony’s word for it. Still, it was rather concerning to walk into the lab to find Barnes wearing a baby wrapped to his chest like one of those hipster moms into Kangaroo Care. Barnes seems completely unfazed by the entire production, pacing slowly and creating a rocking motion with his body so the baby is soothed. The motion seems automatic and unconscious, something that Bruce thinks might be good to mention to Sam (resident therapist of the group).

 

There is a very amusing moment of cognitive dissonance as Barnes appears to realize the baby is blocking him from reaching at least three knives, and that the knives should probably not be that close to the baby anyway. His face takes a slow but amusing journey through anger, disappointment, fear, and then acceptance.

 

Steve is flexing in the corner looking like he is about three minutes from trying to throw Tony out the window but is restraining himself for the sake of Barnes and the baby. It’s always interesting to see the level of restraint Steve can apply to his behavior in order to not upset Barnes when he is having a rough day.

 

Bruce finally tunes into what Tony has been saying for the last five minutes.

 

“…if this was _Maurie_ , I would have a wonderful moment of getting to say “You ARE the Father,” but to two guys. Dream come true honestly. I have always wanted to have a talk show…”

 

Bruce tunes out again and goes over to the display behind Barnes to get a better look at whatever is happening.

 

The main part of the screen is a complete medical work-up for the baby:

_Two X chromosomes_

_Approximately a year old, excellent health_

_Genetic Match: Captain Steven Grant Rogers_

_Genetic Match: Sergeant James Buchanan “Bucky” Barnes_

_Markers of some of the genetic differences found in S.G. Rogers and J. B. Barnes_

_90th percentile of growth._

 

“Tony, did you have her examined or just scanned and take a hair?” Bruce asks, mostly addressing the question to Barnes because he has seen that look before. That’s the look Barnes gets when people are mean to Steve and he is thinking about removing their limbs for them.

 

“Knives over here wouldn’t let me near him long enough for more than a hair sample and scan.” Tony throws out as if this is somehow everyone’s fault but his.

 

“Why don’t we go to the living room instead of the medical wing?” Bruce barely has the question out of his mouth before Barnes and Steve are leaving the room.

 

“I’m not ready to be an uncle to a child of those two!” Tony calls after Bruce as he follows the guys out.

 

* * *

 

 

Steve has been dealing with today by taking it one crisis/hurdle at a time.

 

**_First Crisis: there is a baby on his doorstep._ **

 

_Solution: bring the baby inside._

 

“That’s not how you hold a infant Steve, it’s not an explosive. Give it here.”

 

**_Second Crisis: find some way to transport the baby to Avengers Tower._ **

 

“We got that blanket, the big one.”

 

“What are you doing Buck?”

 

“I saw them do this constantly in Vietnam, Japan, China, San Francisco.”

 

_Solution: Bucky wears the baby like a front-facing backpack. The baby seems to enjoy this._

 

**_Third Crisis: Stark._ **

 

“Do you know anything about babies?”

 

“More than you know Stark, I had three little sisters.”

 

**_Fourth Crisis: test results._ **

 

“Has Hydra gotten any blood samples from Cap recently?” Bruce’s says in his calm voice, while making soothing hand motions.

 

“You can scrub sperm, but you can't scrub eggs!” Tony answers from two rooms away. “That’s why you always have to affect the genetics in the sperm. I mean, I know those Nazi fuckers have some for advanced tech, but they do not have THAT Bruce!”

 

**_Fifth Crisis: h o w ?_ **

 

“Has Friend Barnes touched a cosmic cube recently?” Thor starting to look concerned.

 

“No.” Bucky is shaking his head. “We need diapers. Ten minutes ago.”

 

**_Sixth Crisis: Doctor Strange._ **

 

“I see you have met your daughter! Lovely girl.”

 

“Um.”

 

“Friday, record this.”

 

“Yes, sir.”

 

“My daughter?”

 

“Yes, Captain Rogers.” Strange shakes his head with a little smile. “In only about of quarter of the Universes are you and the Sargent both male. In at least a quarter you are both female. The other half you take turns on genders.”

 

Clint walks in drinking coffee out of the pot, looks at the people assembled and walks backwards out of the room.

 

“How do we get her back to her parents?” Bucky asks. “They must be looking for her.”

 

“You can’t.” Strange smiles.

 

“Why?” Bucky looks like he is considering if he can get a knife into Strange’s face without waking the baby, who has finally fallen asleep in Steve’s arms, of all people. Steve is afraid to breathe; she might start making that angry wail again.

 

“This is her universe.” Strange does a several things with his hands that make no sense and then a bunch of blue lines appear everywhere. The lines cover everything, including the baby. “If she didn’t belong here she would have a different color or composition. Gentleman, she is your biological daughter of this universe.”

 

**_Seventh Crisis: H O W  ?_ **

 

* * *

 

 

“What’s her name?” Sam asks first, because it is very clear that the two super soldiers have not thought about that. Steve is in full “just get shit done until a better path appears” mode. Barnes, at least, seems to be attempting to bond with the tiny human.

 

“Um...” Steve comes to a full stop while chopping and just stares into the middle distance like he can see the world ending. (He has a few times; he would probably know what it looks like.)

 

“Margaret,” Barnes answers a few moments later.

 

“Buck,” Steve starts, looking heartbroken.

 

“Margaret Sarah Barnes Rogers,” Barnes continues as if Steve isn’t crumbling. Barnes just smiles at the baby and continues wiggling her legs until she giggles.

 

“Buck, don’t you think we should talk about this? Maybe pick names from both of us? It seems wrong to name the…” Steve visibly autocorrects and Sam is super proud, “…OUR baby after women in my life and not yours.”

 

Barnes looks up at Steve with what Sam personally calls the “subroutine-running face.” Steve looks like he holding his breath, and Sam is pretty interested in the rationale here. It’s not every day that you agree to name your child after you partner’s ex. Not that Steve and Barnes are anything official (despite the Barnes and Noble mugs that Tony got them for Christmas.) Barnes only got to what might be called “recovered” recently, and Steve has learned that guilt is a bad thing to carry around finally.

 

“Becca named her sons after me. Ann named her daughter after me. Estelle named her kids after Becca and Ann. They each have at least one granddaughter named after them. I am covered. You didn’t get to name anyone after your mom. Peggy didn’t name any of her kids after herself. It’s your turn,” Barnes replies in the robotic voice he uses to cover when he’s feeling something emotional and doesn’t want to process it.

 

He then leans forward and blows a raspberry on the baby’s tummy. She squeals in delight.

 

“I think Miss Maggie likes her new name,” Sam throws out.

 

“Not you too!” Steve groans.

 

“Magic Maggie,” Sam concurs.

 

It’s too bad that Tony walked in just in time to hear that. The kid will never live that name down now.

 

* * *

 

 

Steve needs information. He learned to be a soldier by reading. He can learn to be a parent. They have books for that, he has seen them at the library.

 

The problem is there are so many of them, and they all have so many suggestions.

 

“Please don’t kill yourself in the library,” the librarian offers as she comes by to check on him and sees the pile of books and what must be clear on his face. “I would have to file a police report and sign it. I have a rule against signing police reports after the incident with the iPads last year. Also, I don’t know where our special blood powder went and I don’t want to go to the basement.” She’s younger, with glasses and dark hair, she looks vaguely familiar but Steve actually has come here a lot so that’s probably just exposure.

 

“Why are there so many of these?” Steve hears what sounds suspiciously like a whine in his voice.

 

“Capitalism and scared first time parents?” She offers with a shrug and a sideways smile. It doesn’t particularly help. This must show on his face because she then says, “there, there,” and pats him on the head like he is five.

 

* * *

 

It’s Wanda who finally figures out where _exactly_ Maggie came from. Well, Wanda and Vision. That’s not really a conversation Steve wants to have.

 

“Both of you have touched all of the singularities,” Vision tries to explain.

 

“When we were fighting Thanos?” Bucky nods in a way that indicates he remembers this; Steve doesn’t.

 

“We did?”

 

“You are the only two besides Thanos to have direct contact with all of the stones when they were together.” Wanda has prepared visual aids made with her powers. They are really just a magic PowerPoint slideshow, it feels an awful lot like Vision is rubbing off on her.

 

“Okay, so we both touched all of the stones. How does that make a baby?” Steve is still really shaky on this.

 

“It doesn’t.” Wanda shakes her head  a little. “All it did was give you both the cosmic charge to perform one really powerful joint task. A little push, so to speak.”

 

Oh.

 

“The morning that Maggie appeared, did you engage in any kind of unusual activities? Perhaps with an increased level of touching?” Vision asks in a bland kind of scientific manner.

 

Steve is pretty sure his blush might be able to power a small village. Bucky is giving him a very dirty smile which only makes it worse.

 

“Confirmed,” Bucky replies because he’s is a little shit.

 

* * *

 

 

Everyone thinks that Captain America is going to be some kind of excellent father right off the bat. That’s not at all how it goes.

 

The truth is Steven Grant Roger has spent exactly zero time around small children before Maggie appeared on his doorstep. So he plans and, eventually, comes up with a schedule, a babysitting roster and recommendations for the best car seat. Steve spends at least an hour a day looking at Consumer Reports.

 

“Buck, do you know what they put in baby food now?” Steve asks early one morning.

 

“Yes, why do you think I have been making it from scratch every morning?” Bucky motions to the kitchen which is covered in the remains of several vegetables and a carton of fruit. The food processor sits grumpily in the sink. “Here comes the airplane!” Bucky makes sound effects as he pushes the mush laden spoon at Maggie in her high chair. Maggie ignores it in favor of smashing some blocks with a hammer, but she opens her mouth.

 

That had been a fun learning experience. It turns out, that at least right now, Maggie won’t eat unless she has something to hit or smash. Steve bought just about every toy in her age range that allows her to slap things and still be placed in a high chair.

 

It does mean that there is, as Clint calls it, as “Splash Zone” during meal times.

 

* * *

 

 

“Is that a baby?”

 

“Did the Winter Soldier bring a baby to a raid?”

 

“Yes, he did. And she just went to sleep, so you can surrender peacefully now or we can fight and she will wake up and I will not get any sleep tonight. When I don’t get sleep I tend to shoot people’s dicks off.”

 

“Um?”

 

“Please surrender peacefully. I will let him shoot your dicks off at this point, I haven’t slept either.”

 

“Sure man, here.”

 

“George, really?”

 

“Dude, Captain America and the Winter Soldier just said that if we don’t surrender, they will shot our dicks off. I remember being a new dad. I believe them.”

 

“Fine.”

 

* * *

 

 

The New NEW Rules for the Avengers

 

  1. The nickname “Magic Maggie” is to stop being used immediately. It makes Steve cry and Barnes laugh. Anything that does that is against the American way.
  2. _Sesame Street_ time is sacred. We DO NOT interrupt _Sesame Street_ for anything. Not for an AIM attack, not for Clint falling off a building, not for Loki appearing in New York again. Nothing shall interrupt _Sesame Street_ time (she has super soldier lungs.)
  3. Pictures of Captain America, shirtless, with a sleeping baby on his chest, are banned from circulation in all Stark Industry locations and S.H.I.E.L.D. operations. “Baby Fever” is a real thing, and the maternity leave issue is legitimate.
  4. Just because AIM scientists won’t shoot at you if you wear Maggie in a Baby Bjorn does not mean that this is a tactic that should be used more than once.
  5. Assuming that Barnes won’t turn violent just because he is wearing Maggie in a Baby Bjorn is a fallacy. Barnes is sneaky and Maggie finds violence and explosions hilarious.
  6. If, for some reason, Barnes or Steve cannot be located when it’s time for Maggie’s nap/bedtime, Friday has a recording of Barnes signing the lullabies she likes. She will look at you like she knows you are trying to pull one over on her. However, being stared down by an infant is better than the result of trying to sing to her yourself.
  7. Vision isn’t allowed to change Maggie’s diaper. Full stop.
  8. No one is to call Steve “Daddy” in public again. Not even Barnes. Not even when addressing Steve as “Daddy” to Maggie.
  9. Do Not Call Barnes Mommy.
  10. Do Not Call Barnes Daddy. (He will, however, accept Aba in present company, but only if Maggie is there.)
  11. Peter Parker is not a reliable babysitter.
  12. Thor is not allowed to take Maggie to Asgard WITHOUT telling anyone. He can take her but the Daddies have to be told about it first. (TONY WHAT ARE RULES 8-10? STOP!)
  13. Do not tell the Press or social media that Maggie is a Super Baby.
  14. Maggie is not the commanding officer if Steve is not present. Stop trying to convince S.H.I.E.L.D. operatives of such.
  15. Clint and Tony are not allowed to try to develop a Baby Arrow, Baby Changing Arrow, or Baby Rocket.



* * *

 

 

Recovery isn’t supposed to work like this. People with trauma and PTSD are not magically cured by having a baby. No baby has ever magically cured a relationship or a person. Until Bucky Barnes and Steve Rogers.

 

“You remember all of it?” Sam has the concerned voice on which Bucky finds irritating.

 

“Yeah, it’s not a big deal.” He shrugs and goes back to folding laundry.

 

“It doesn’t bother you or give you any kind of guilt or twitches or anything?” Sam has been spending too much time with Tony and clearly is picking up on the rambling.

 

“I haven’t even had a nightmare since Maggie.” Bucky smiles at the onesie he has just pulled out of dryer.

 

“This magic shit is pure shenanigans!” Sam leaves in a huff. Bucky makes a mental note that Halloween is coming up soon, and he should see if Steve wants to coordinate a family outfit.

 

* * *

 

 

Steve did not expect to fall in love. He understood that people loved their children. He knew how much his mother loved him and remembered the love he saw Mr. and Mrs. Barnes dote on their children. He didn’t expect to feel punched in the gut and beat over the head with affection for his daughter.

 

The depth of his love is something that astounds him daily. She would turn her blue eyes on him and it felt like the sun coming out after the rain. It felt like the first time Bucky remembered him. It felt like going back into the tank and having the serum injected directly into his bones.

 

* * *

 

 

“I can’t take it any longer!” Tony shouts one day while Steve and Barnes are bickering about taking Maggie to a filming of Sesame Street. “We have been waiting MONTHS for the two of you to confess feelings or deal with your UST and… nothing. A big pile of nothing. No heated arguments. No grand revelations. I am losing good money on the two of you and your inability to get your shit together and bone!”

 

Tony might, possibly, have been stressed about something completely unrelated and is taking it out on his two favorite super soldiers. However, he really is losing money. At this rate, Barton is going to win The Over/Under, and Tony is NOT losing to a guy who falls off buildings or hangs out in garbage cans as often as Clint does.

 

Steve and Barnes have the gall to look mildly confused at his outburst. No blushing. No rubbing of the back of heads. Just two near identical brow furrows. Barnes doesn’t even stop scrolling through the web page about Sesame Street.

 

“Tony, what are you talking about?” Steve has his “talking to a small child” voice on, and Tony is not having that.

 

“I am talking about the two of you and your complete lack of realizations that you are effectively married.”

 

“We are married,” Barnes says while scrolling on the desktop computer like the ancient geezer he really was.

 

“What?” Tony’s brain does not enjoy the current input.

 

“Have been for months.” Barnes shrugs and pulls out his wallet to purchase was looks like a giant Elmo doll.

 

“That’s not…” Tony isn’t exactly sure what it _isn’t_.

 

“Bruce and Nat were our witnesses.” Steve has decided to join in on the torture of Tony Stark.

 

“But…” Tony is going to be so pissed. Had he actually won The Over/Under and had everyone kept it from him? If he weren’t deeply terrified of Natasha, he might be tempted to prank her for this slight. “…SEX!” His brain supplies, finally.

 

Tony is deeply disappointed that he didn’t get the grand confessions, and not just because he’s read all of Coulson’s fan fiction and wants it to be canon.

 

“We do that, too,” Barnes agrees in a dry monotone.

 

“Tony, sex makes babies,” Steven Grant “Troll Lord” Rogers tells Tony in his very best explaining-things voice.

 

(No one ever does actually end up getting paid out for the bed. Clint just keeps the money and uses it to buy pizza. A most noble of causes.)

* * *

 

 

Maggie can say an awful lot of words these days. She calls Steve “Daddie” and Bucky “Aba.” She can ask for her “Baba” or “Juice” and “Elmo.” Maggie calls Tony “Wunkle Stank,” something that the Avengers prompt her to say constantly. She also seems to refer to Clint and Sam by making bird noises (which are actually high-pitched screeches with flapping arms.)

 

Maggie is also twice as stubborn as Steve and Bucky combined and compressed in twenty-eight pounds of human. Her first full sentence should not be a surprise.

 

“Alright Buba, time for your nap.”

 

Steve goes to pick her up when Maggie frowns in a miniature version of Bucky’s and says, “Try me, pal.”

 

Bucky laughs so hard he falls over.

 

“It’s not that funny!” Steve is really trying to contain his dorks but Bucky laughing has set of Maggie into a hysterical set of giggles. Sadly, she has also realized that this phrase elicits a response she enjoys, and starts using it all the time.

 

“No super baby, you can’t touch that!”

 

“Try me, pal.”

 

“Friday, did you record that? I want that in the Smithsonian one day!” Tony finds it way too amusing.

 

“Pizza is not for babies.”

 

“Try me, pal.”

 

“Well, you are the commanding officer.”

 

“Clint no!”

* * *

 

 

They can’t keep Maggie a secret forever. True, Steve and Bucky are in semi-retirement and only go out for small gigs or really big gigs that absolutely require them.

 

The real reason no one notices that two very famous superheroes now have a baby is because of the election. The news cycles are dominated by candidates, and celebrities the world over get a few months of peace and quiet, not that Maggie is ever really quiet.

 

In the end, it’s Clint’s fault that the world learns about Maggie, because of course it is. She has been learning a few other sentences that really crack everyone up. Clint records the video on Instagram and intends to just send it to the other Avengers who aren’t around, only he actually posts it.

 

He deletes the video about thirty minutes later when he realizes, but as everyone knows, the Internet is forever.

 

* * *

 

 

Video posted by [@Not_the_hawkguy](http://alyseofwonderland.tumblr.com/). Caption: Little Miss Maggie the One True Queen of the Super Soldiers

 

Transcript:

*a view of a living room in the Avengers tower. The table in view is covered in crayons and paper. A small girl in tiny green Converse, neon-orange tights, and a black top with one glittery silver sleeve is laying on the sofa with a hand over her mouth. She has dark hair and bright blue eyes.*

 

*Steve Rogers walks into the room, from his position he cannot see onto the sofa*

 

Steve: “Clint, where’s Maggie?  It’s nap time. Why are you filming?”

 

*small girl rockets up from the sofa and slaps Steve in the chest.*

 

Girl: *shouted* “Dwet befo dis-onor!”

 

*Clint laughing behind the camera*

 

*Steve trying not to laugh*

 

Steve: *smiling and lifting the girl above his head* “Maggie did Auntie Nat teach you that?”

 

* * *

 

 

Trending on Twitter: US

 

[#AvengersBaby](http://alyseofwonderland.tumblr.com/)

[#Whosthemother?](http://alyseofwonderland.tumblr.com/)

[#Stony](http://alyseofwonderland.tumblr.com/)

[#Stucky](http://alyseofwonderland.tumblr.com/)

[#aUNTIeNat!](http://alyseofwonderland.tumblr.com/)

 

* * *

 

 

[@CNN](http://alyseofwonderland.tumblr.com/) Leaked footage from Avengers Tower shows [@SGRogers](http://alyseofwonderland.tumblr.com/) with a child. Who is this [#AvengersBaby](http://alyseofwonderland.tumblr.com/)

 

[@emanationman](http://emanationman.tumblr.com/) i fUCKING kNEw [@therealtonystark](http://emanationman.tumblr.com/) and [@SGRogers](http://emanationman.tumblr.com/) were boning! Where’s my money! [@proud-librarian](http://proud-librarian.tumblr.com/)

 

[@proud-librarian](http://proud-librarian.tumblr.com/) [@emantionman](http://proud-librarian.tumblr.com/) [@therealtonystark](http://proud-librarian.tumblr.com/) wishes he could have hair that good. You know who has hair that good? [#buckywiththegoodhair](http://proud-librarian.tumblr.com/)

 

* * *

 

 

**Memo from CEO Pepper Potts:**

 

Dear Staff and Personnel,

This is a memo to remind everyone that they are not to give interviews or accounts on behalf of a member of staff unless you have been given express permission from that person.

 

Additionally, please remember that all members of the team known as The Avengers are technically Stark Industries Personnel and should be granted the same courtesy.

  


Pepper Potts

CEO Stark Industries

 

P.S. That INCLUDES YOU TONY!

 

* * *

 

 

Video posted to [@therealtonystark](http://mooseofletters.tumblr.com/). Caption: [#notdamomma](http://mooseofletters.tumblr.com/)

 

Transcript:

_*Tony stark wearing gold slit sunglasses sitting at a table; there is a small girl sitting next to him. Her hair is in a ballerina bun on the top of her head, and her shirt might have been bright pink at some point but has many stains that look like chocolate or possibly blood. She is covered in peanut butter.*_

 

Tony: “Margaret?”

 

Girl, presumed to be Margaret: Hmm? _*she takes a spoon out of a peanut butter jar and rubs it directly onto her face*_

 

Tony: Are we having a spa day?

 

Margaret: Face Masst. _*smiles*_

 

Tony: Miss Maggie?

 

Margaret: Yas?

 

Tony: Who am I?

 

Margaret: _*large smile, slaps hands down on table*_ NOT DA MOMMA!

 

* * *

 

  


“Sergeant Barnes, thank you so much for coming on the show today to talk to us.”

 

“Yes, well you banned Steve after he punched that anti-vaxxer and Hill made me.”

 

“........ News has been circulating about the toddler seen in several videos coming from verified Avengers social media accounts. Can you confirm her identity.”

 

“She’s a minor I don’t have to tell you shit.”

 

“...........”

 

“Pepper just signed to me that I have to tell you something and that this is live.”

 

“We _are_ currently live to most of the world.”

 

“Maggie is mine and Steve’s daughter.”

 

“Captain Rogers?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Are you the father?”

 

“Can she hear me? I thought I just said Steve and I have a daughter?”

 

“I can hear you just fine Sergeant Barnes, I was just asking if you are Maggie’s biological father or if Captain Rogers is?”

 

“I don’t understand the question.”

 

“....... Sergeant Barnes, are you willing to tell me who Maggie’s biological mother is?”

 

“Those glowing space rocks that almost ended the world.”

 

“.......”

 

“Pepper, can I go now?”

 

* * *

 

 

Instagram Video posted by [@wyntersouljah](http://wyntersouljah.tumblr.com/): Steve Rogers is the best human ever. [#beardedcap](http://insidious-intent.tumblr.com/)

 

Transcript:

 

*Steve Rogers is seen slightly out of focus by the tilted camera in line at Trader Joes; he is on the phone.*

 

Person offscreen: Oh my god! That’s really him.

 

Steve speaking into his phone: Yes, I am getting the brand you like. That’s why it’s taking so long, there’s only one Trader Joes in all of Manhattan.

 

A man walks up to Rogers wearing a suit: You and your faggot lifestyle are disgrace to this country!

 

Steve Rogers putting down his basket: Hang on, I’m about to get banned for life.

 

*camera shakes as person holding it gasps and then drops it*

 

*it does catch a second of Steve Rogers holding the man in the air by the fabric of his shirt and lecturing him*

 

* * *

 

 

Out of every single Avenger and extended super friend it’s the Princess who figures out that Maggie is more than just a “magic love baby” and actually a ‘super magic love baby.’ Shuri had been conscripted into babysitting duty now that list of reliable and responsible adults who Steve and Bucky knew kept shrinking. (“I did not know that webbing doesn’t come out of hair! I mean the previous formulas did.” — Ex-babysitter Peter Parker)

 

Steve had been promised use of the guest suite at the Palace and someone to watch Maggie for an entire night. He was pretty sure that everyone thought he and Buck were about to have some rather expansive and athletic sex, but the truth was they wanted to have a full twenty four hours of no plans and naps. It wasn’t going to be ALL sex.

 

He was deep in a pillow-and-blanket cocoon, close to drifting off when the bead that acted like a phone on his wrist beeped.

 

“We’re not here,” Buck mumbled into Steve’s shoulder.

 

“Sorry to interrupt the beauty sleep but Margaret just picked up a vibranium car and I have video to prove that this is not a prank,” Shuri offered with a slightly worried look. “Please don’t let her touch anything else in my lab.”

 

This is apparently enough to get Bucky fully awake because he sits right up and yells, “Why is she in your lab?”

 

“The Dora claimed this was ‘karma coming for me’!” Shuri shouts back. Steve does so enjoy that Shuri adopted Bucky as a brother. He gets to witness all these delightful moments while wearing nothing. Bucky jumps out of the bed, with only minor tangling, also lacking pants. “Why are you like this!” Shuri is still on the screen. “My eyes! They burn!”

 

-

 

Steve is trying really hard not to panic, but his daughter his lifting heavy things and giggling. At least someone is enjoying this.

 

“Bruce told us it couldn’t be passed on to her,” Steve began.

 

“If Maggie had been created traditionally, that would be true. The serum was given to each of you later in life and is not a part of you genetic structure that would be passed on in sperm.”

 

“But?” Bucky asks from where he is trying to balance the other side of the car Maggie is holding up by a tire.

 

“It’s in her genome.” Shuri pulls up a screen where Steve understands some of the words. “The power of the infinity stones must have taken normal cellular makeup to create her. Probably blood or bone--”

 

“And we both had bone injections,” Steve finishes.

 

Maggie cackles when she starts to let go of the car and Bucky grunts.

 

“We are going to have to form our own little league of super kids,” Steve offers to the great vastness of attempting to raise a super-powered child.

 

The look Bucky gives him is somewhere between bafflement and resignation. Steve looks back in mild confusion until the last few gears in his head click into place.

 

“Oh god, Kindergarten!” Steve realizes with dawning horror.

 

“Can I offer you an egg in these trying times?” Shuri asks with a shit-eating grin.

 

“Do it for the wine!” Maggie shouts with glee. Oh good.

 

* * *

 

 

From: [ ptaorg@brooklyntechmagnet.edu ](mailto:ptaorg@brooklyntechmagnet.edu)

To: ‘All Parents Kindergarten Group’

 

Dear Parents and Guardians of the Kindergarten Class of 2022,

 

We regret to inform you that as of tonight Margaret Barnes Rogers and her fathers, Steve Rogers and James Barnes, will no longer be members of our school and associated organization.

 

After last week’s incident on the playground and subsequent behavior by Mr. Rogers at the PTA hearing we have decided to end our association with the Barnes-Rogers household.

 

We wish Margaret the very best in her continuing educational career.

 

We ask that all questions on the matter be held until next week’s meeting.

 

Sincerely,

 

Helen Grimes

PTA President and Vice Principal

 

To: [ ptaorg@brooklyntechmagnet.edu ](mailto:ptaorg@brooklyntechmagnet.edu)

From: [ capsicle@stark.net ](mailto:capsicle@stark.net)

 

FIGHT ME HELEN!

 

* * *

 

 

They end up deciding that maybe they are going to have to go with an ‘alternative schooling’ option. Margaret likes bullies even less than her fathers and she can break a swing set without trying. Finding a place where she can learn and not kill anyone turns out to be a new and exhausting challenge.

 

* * *

 

 

“What about that school, you know the one with the X name or something?”

 

“It’s a boarding school.”

 

“Yeah, not doing that.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Wakanda?”

 

“Wakanda is not the answer to everything.”

 

“Shuri has not let us down to date.”

 

“If you want a vacation to go visit the goats and get out of the city you can just say you want to go on vacation.”

 

“Steve, can we take Maggie on a jungle summer vacation?”

 

“You have to make the arrangements.”

 

“...... done.”

 

“Texting Shuri doesn’t count.”

 

* * *

 

 

“I have an idea.” Steve begins while they are laying on the sofa with some nature show on mute. It’s nap time.

 

“The last time you said I feel off a train,” Bucky answers never looking away from the birds doing colorful mating dances.

 

“One, that was not the last time I said that—” Steve throws a pillow at him.

 

“Fine! It was the plan where you punched the giant grape from outer space!” Buck catches the pillow before it hits him and swings it back at Steve.

 

“—it worked!” Steve sputters around a face full of pillow.

 

“Oh my god, that’s not justification—” Bucky groans and turns from the program to face Steve on his end of the sectional.

 

“What about New Asgard?” Steve rushes the words out because Bucky can go on for hours about how much Steve needs _To Stop_.

 

Bucky doesn’t say anything. He just freezes in place for a good sixty seconds and then his face kind of breaks, like the dawn.

 

“What’s your face doing right now?” Steve hesitantly asks.

 

“You want to send our daughter—” Bucky motions between them. “to school—” His hands make a nonsensical motion. “—in space?” He finishes off with a big sweeping hand motion towards the sky. Steve smiles.

 

“That one Asgard kid we met punched through a wall…”

 

“I am so excited about the prospect of a commute to space for school that I am finally forgiving you for letting the Spiderchild babysit.” Buck cuts him off excitedly.

 

“That was four years ago!” He should have been forgiven for that by now. Tony said they could trust Peter to watch Maggie for an hour. It was only an hour. How was he supposed to know that…

 

“Shhh—” Bucky springs across the couch to land on top of Steve, and smooshes their face together to kiss.

 

“—stop—trying—to win—arguments—with sex” Steve argues between forceful presses of lips.

 

“Shut up and let me kiss you.” Buck answers with more tongue and a hand moving south.

 

The important part is they finally have a possible solution.

 

* * *

 

 

“Welcome Lady Margaret, to New Asgard, your half sibling planet!” Thor greets when they step out of the new bifrost. Maggie, who is holding Steve’s hand, looks up at him with a miniature version of Bucky’s frown and squints her eyes in a way that lets him know she is being judgy.

 

“I don’t have any siblings,” Maggie explains to Thor with the full authority of the a five-year-old.

 

“Not any human ones!” Thor laughs and ushers them forward across the much shorter bridge to the under-construction city. “You see, Lady Margaret, you were brought to life with the help of your fathers and the power of the Infinity Stones. Those same stones were used to help create my planet anew.”

 

“Na-uh,” Maggie disagreed.

 

“Yeah-uh,” Thor countered. Steve really hoped they would get to the actual school before this devolved into a punching match. They had agreed not to make Maggie ashamed of her skills and that meant letting her ‘play fight’ with others at semi-equal strength. Peter Parker had been making up for the dreaded incident with bruises. Thor was probably gonna love this idea.

 

Bucky makes it to the doors of the recently built school before he goes “Woah” and dashes off after something tech related and that’s possibly… flying.

 

“Aba likes robots more than me,” Maggie tells Thor. Steve rolls his eyes. Maggie is going through a phase right now where any lack of attention translates to dislike. Last night she proclaimed that Steve didn’t like her because he took a whole five minutes to brush his teeth before coming read her a bedtime story. They are working on it.

 

“Your father is what the mortals call a _Nerd_ ,” Loki offers at the doors to the school with a smile. “We will talk more about that during recess.”

 

* * *

 

 

Turns out Loki is a big hit with kids. A massive hit. The Asgard refugee kids love him. Maggie adores him. He’s just weird enough to be down with spending an entire day talking about sandcastles and power mad enough to crave an adoring fan base.

 

Thor made him the Kindergarten teacher on Asgard for the next three centuries as punishment for all the “stabbing.”

 

“He’s only lightly stabbed me once this year!” Thor exclaims when Steve gives him a side-eye.

 

“He murdered people.” Steve feels like he might be losing his mind here. He can’t be the only one who thinks this is a bad idea.

 

“So did I,” Bucky snaps, like he knows what a low blow it is.

 

“Buck.”

 

“We have a Co-Teacher!” Thor offers in the face of what was about to be a fight.

 

* * *

 

 

“SHE’S SO PRETTY AND SHE CAN LIFT UP BIGGER THINGS THAN THOR AND HE IS THE KING!” Maggie very much likes the Co-Teacher, Valkyrie.

 

“Asgard it is,” Steve says to the extremely pleased face Bucky is making. He should be excited as well; this was his idea. Maybe Buck was onto something.

 

* * *

 

 

“How do you commute to a school on another planet, every day?”

 

“Thor got us a—” Steve wiggles his fingers and then snaps them before finally miming pressing a remote. “—we press it and the bifrost opens for us.”

 

“He gave you a remote control for an interplanetary transportation system that Shuri is still fangirling over?”

 

“…yes?”

 

“I have to not be near you right now.”

 

“Tony, where you going?”

 

“My lab! I am going to go invent something!”

 

“Tony, don’t be like that!”

 

“NO! I blame Man Bun for this! I used to be the one with the best tech then he comes on the scene and teens and Thor suddenly outpace me!”

 

“Come on. Tony!”

 

“Friday, play ‘Frozen’ on all screens in the tower when Maggie is here later today.”

 

“HEY!”

 

* * *

 

 

“She gets this from you,” Bucky comments as they stand in the shade of their back porch and watch Maggie take on the punch test machine they had rented for her birthday party. She is wearing bright green, Hulk Green, boxing gloves that Steve had let her open a day early. They have not come off yet.

 

“I think that’s unfair, we both are kind of…. Physical people,” Steve counters because last month Bucky threw a knife at an AIM henchman who twitched while he was being tied up.

 

“I don’t actually enjoy destroying things with my fists. Nor am I filled with an unholy rage at injustice in the world. You, on the other hand, have a graveyard of punching bags and are banned by nearly every major media outlet in the country, with the notable exception of NPR.”

 

They both turn to watch Maggie square her feet before rotating her hips to punch the machine. She started kickboxing last week. Nat took the news that Maggie had noped-out of trying ballet really well. Maggie throws a solid punch that makes the machine wobble.

 

“Five years tomorrow.” Steve realizes aloud in complete awe.

 

“Scariest morning of my life,” Bucky agreed.

 

“Baby on the doorstep beats alien space invaders with world-ending magic rocks?” Steve teases, and then he turns to look at Bucky and understands how serious his husband is.

 

“The world ending is normal,” Bucky says softly. “I had only really accepted the idea that I was going to get to keep you and love you the night before. Then there’s this small helpless person who looks like you in my arms and I loved her instantly. About two seconds later I realized someone was going to try to take her away from me.”

 

“Maggie, Aba and I are going inside for a bit. Stay in the yard!” Steve calls out as he grabs Bucky by the shoulders and pushes him towards the door. He highly doubts she heard him, or cares, right now.

 

Buck’s softly laughing smile tastes like chapstick and ice tea. His mouth feels like home. Steve spends a couple of minutes enjoying this, the perfect, hot familiarity of Bucky’s body and mouth before the kitchen counter starts to really dig into his hip in a less than fun way. Steve has to pull on Buck’s hair sharply to get him away from what is bound to be a decently sized hickey on his throat.

 

“Whose turn?” Steve asks.

 

“Yours.” Bucky half growls before he wraps possessive hands around Steve’s ass and squeezes. Oh fuck yeah, he loves it when it’s his turn. They break apart and make it to their bedroom. It’s a narrow thing. Steve really considered just stripping in the living room but was going to be a gaggle of six-year-olds in there tomorrow and he doesn’t want to clean. He does shuck clothes as he goes.

 

“Babe, it’s been years, you gotta put some effort into your strip teases,” Bucky quips when he gets Steve’s shirt in his face on the stairs.

 

“Oh, is the all the romance gone?” Steve snorts as he pulls off his pants at the door to their bedroom.

 

“It’s dead and buried in the backyard.” Bucky yanks his shirt off and leans into kiss Steve and rub against him, still half dressed.

 

“Well, I guess we'll just have to stick to the kinky stuff,” Steve whispers into his lips. Bucky groans and squeezes him on the ass so hard it might bruise for a while.

 

“Just for that you are getting the metal fingers,” Buck threatens and bites Steve’s bottom lip. The last of the clothes are off in a rush while Steve dives for the sock drawer with the lube. They meet on the bed and Bucky yanks on Steve’s ankles until he is flat on his back and spread wide.

 

Maybe five years ago they would have gone slow and tried to draw this out; but they are on a clock of Maggie’s attention span, so Buck goes in with two fingers while Steve laughs at the burn.

 

“What would the world think? To find out you are one kinky mashocist?” Buck groans into Steve’s knee while his slick fingers spread Steve.

 

“Please just get inside me,” Steve begs. “I wanna pull your hair.”

 

That spurs Bucky into motion, who is always a bit of slut for scalp attention. Steve barely registers that Bucky has switched to three fingers. He is too busy reaching out to get a hold of Bucky’s face and hair. There’s the fumble that always happens when they transition from prep. An awkward couple of seconds that over the years have just turned into a time to smile at one another. They get situated with Bucky on top and Steve holding onto him with a smile as he starts moving.

 

Not all sex is mind-numbing or passion inducing. They have days or weeks without it sometimes. This is somewhere between tender and unrelenting. Breath mingled as Buck leans over him and holds one of Steve’s hands. It's the eye contact and pace at which Buck grinds into him that pushes this into the sizzling range. Steve can feel it traveling up his spine and traveling out from his chest. Ecstasy of more than just his body, the pure joy of having this, for good.

 

“I love you,” Steve tells Bucky when he thinks Bucky is close. Steve kisses him with a hand twisted in Bucky’s hair for good measure and feels his husband stutter through his release.

 

“I love you, too, you competitive fuck,” Bucky groans several seconds later as he moves out of Steve and replaces his cock with metal fingers, because Steve hasn’t finished.

 

So maybe Steve has a thing for The Arm.

 

Buck has him swallowed down moment later, and Steve sees stars.

 

Sex isn’t always world shattering and life affirming, for people who don’t have Bucky Barnes.

 

* * *

 

 

They get ten whole minutes of afterglow, cleanup, and re-dressing before Maggie bursts into the house.

 

“I wanna show Surabhi my new gloves!” Maggie shouts from down stairs.

 

“Look both ways!” Steve and Bucky shout back at her in unison before they hear the slam of the front door. Steve can see Maggie look to her right and then her left before darting across the street to ring the doorbell. When he turns back to look at Bucky he sees that Buck is pushing off the pants he just pulled up.

 

“My turn,” Buck explains, and throws Steve the lube.

 

This kind of behavior is exactly how they ended up with Maggie in the first place. Steve loves it.

 

* * *

 

 

Epilogue

 

“Aba?”

 

Bucky looks up from the recipe in front of him to see his daughter standing at the edge of the kitchen with some papers clutched in her hands. Her shirt is looking a little small, he makes a mental note that they probably need to go shopping for clothes again.

 

“What’s up Sweet Pea?” He puts the recipe book down as she shuffles forward and puts the paper in front of him on the island. Upside down it looks like a family tree.

 

Oh.

 

“I did most of it myself,” Maggie starts as she spins the paper around so Bucky can read it. “I have Safta and Saba Barnes and Grandma and Grandpa.” Maggie points to where she has filled in the names of Bucky’s parents and then Steve’s. “But my teacher gave me the special tree and I don’t know what to put on the third line.”

 

Bucky picks up the paper to get a closer look at what she is talking about. Yup, that’s a third parental option. He doesn’t really blame the teacher. They never really explained their special circumstances to any of Maggie’s teachers, and now that she is old enough to attend school on Earth, they have lost the benefit of Asgardian teachers who _get_ Infinity Stones.

 

“Alex has two daddies but he knows who his ‘biological mother’ is and she comes for Christmas. And Willa has two mommies but her ‘biological father’ is her one mommy’s brothers and she gets to see him all the time.”

 

Buck can see the giant rabbit hole opening in front of him here.

 

“I told Mr. Collins that I wasn’t adopted but he insisted that I had to fill out _this_ tree.” Maggie frowns.

 

“Thanks for bringing this to me kiddo,” Buck says because thank god she got his good instincts.

 

“Dad would have just shouted and then called the school,” She speaks from experience. “Aba, do I have a biological mother?”

 

They have been preparing for this awhile. She used to just accept the stones story because she was three, and then at six she didn’t care, but suddenly, at nine, it matters. Steve had argued for honesty. At this point Bucky just hoped their daughter had seen enough weird shit in her life that she wouldn’t freak out.

 

“No, you don’t. Dad and I are your only biological parents.”

 

“Did one of you get pregnant?”

 

“Um no…”

 

“Arwen's dad was the one who was pregnant.” Maggie points out because she got her argumentative style from Steve.

 

“Yes, and we have talked about that before. Dad and I aren’t like Arwen’s Dad.”

 

“Okay, so where do I come from?”

 

Beginning the story with ‘before the universe existed there were singularities’ might have been a bit too far back but honestly it's the only logical starting point. Trying to start at ‘one time a giant purple alien tried to kill half of all life and your dad and I punched him really hard’ didn’t sound easier. Maggie listens through all of it, nodding at things she must recognize from other stories or her current-events class. She seems to pretty much grasp the entire concept of the Infinity Stones, thanks to years around Asgardians and Vision.

 

At the end she sits there silently with her lips pursed and her brows furrowed in a miniature of Steve’s ‘i call bullshit’ face. Bucky hopes his face radiates honesty and sincerity, because he is not really interested in going the Stark Tower to get the old files and video recordings to prove everything.

 

“Aba,” Maggie starts like she is the adult explaining a simple concept. “Sex is required for reproduction in multicellular organisms.”

 

“It sure is,” Steve says as he walks in the back door holding a grocery bag. “Why we talking about reproduction?”

 

“Aba said you guys had sex with several singularities to make me,” Maggie states with complete authority.

 

Steve’s face should be sculpted into stone. He looks both horrified and considering. If you listen closely enough you can hear the gears click through in his head as he plays that back a few times. The effort to not snort nearly blinds Bucky.

 

“You are like sixty percent right String Bean,” Steve offers after a couple of seconds. “Aba and I were the only ones having sex, the stones came first.” This is apparently not the answer she wanted either because Maggie throws up her arms in frustration.

 

“I’m facetiming Uncle Tony!” She exclaims while grabbing the family tree out of Bucky’s hands and storming out. “He understands endocrinology!”

 

“You think Mr. Collins will accept Infinity Stones as a biological parent?” Bucky asks Steve in the wake of their daughter.

 

“Doubtful, but I would love to try it.”

 

“If we have to change schools again I am blaming you.”

 

“That’s fair.” Steve accepts graciously with a peck on Bucky’s cheek.

  


**Author's Note:**

> [If you want to know about any of the the stories that were hinted at or alluded to in this fic come bug me on tumblr and I can make drabbles for them.](http://alyseofwonderland.tumblr.com/)
> 
> any strange links in the fic are going to take you to my tumblr or my friend's tumblrs depending on what was tagged. lolz. PROMOTING ALL THE FRIENDS!
> 
>  
> 
> COMPLETELY UNRELATED, but was I the only one who thought it was spelled “Kindergarden”? I swear to god I have seen it spelled that way before but then Cher is like “nope it’s Kindergarten” and the Internet backed her up on this. I feel like this is one of those Berenstien Bears situations.  
> (me shouting at word: don't fucking underline that it’s spelled wrong on purpose!)


End file.
